Baylie's Birth Announcement

I designed Baylie's announcement and like how it turned out.

Getting Things Done

I consider myself to be an organized person who can multitask with the best of them. So why is it that I couldn't even get myself dressed until after noon yesterday?! I feel like I'm busy all day, but don't get anything done. Let me rephrase, I do get a lot done, it's a lot of holding Baylie all day long. Eventually I guess I'll have to set her down, but she's so cuddly and cute and I love to just hold her. (Check out this picture of David reading her a story. She looks like she's ready to turn the page.)

I hope Heavenly Father has patience with mothers because today was the first day since bringing Baylie home that I was able to read the Book of Mormon. It took me two hours to finish a chapter, but at least I did it. I don't think I've said morning prayers once this week, but on the other hand, I find myself praying all day long and thanking God for sending this little girl to us. Today I was feeding her and started to cry as I felt overwhelmed with love and gratitude.

We brought her home one week ago today, but I feel like she's been our baby forever.

First Easter

We had a great Easter. Everything is more fun with Baylie. She'll probably hate us later for these pictures, but we think she looks cute. We also dressed her in what was going to be her blessing dress since we're not sure when we'll get to bless her. We decided it could be an Easter dress. We got together with most of the family, which is one of my favorite things about living in Utah. I have the cutest nieces and nephews on the planet.

First Night and First Bath

Our little girl is a real trooper. She went to bed at midnight, woke up at 3:15, 6:30 and not again until 10:00. She would wake up just long enough to eat and then go back to sleep.

This morning she had her first bath and wasn't too fond of it. Uncle Scotty and Aunt Bethany bought her the cutest little towel. When her hair was wet, it was so curly!

Aunt Shanelle has been a special blessing to us. Because she can only nurse her little baby Asher every other time he eats, she's been saving her extra milk for us - so Baylie only drinks breast milk. How lucky is she? We know this is a sacrifice for Shanelle, but she does it without complaint. I'm so grateful to her. What a blessing it is to be part of a loving family.

Baylie's Home!

Our little girl is finally here! So far she mostly sleeps, but we are having fun just looking at her. You can check out more pictures at the link below. Check out all her hair!http://flickr.com/photos/7199844@N02/sets/72157604188968488/.

The Night Before Christmas

It isn't really the night before Christmas, but it feels like it. Actually it feels more like the night before I got married. I'm nervous and excited, but everything feels just right.

Today was another day with an interesting mix of emotions that are difficult to explain. I was on edge all day waiting for our birth mother to sign the papers and fly back home. I was so excited to hear she had done both - meaning Baylie really is ours. At the same time, my heart was breaking for our birth mom as I imagined her sore and empty flying back home all by herself. I wish I could hug her, hold her tight and tell her how grateful I am and how I will try to be a good mother to her baby.

This has been one of the longest days of my life and I can't wait for the phone call tomorrow telling us we can go get her. I hope the nurses are holding her so she isn't lonely.

We should get a call in about 12 hours!

IT'S A GIRL!

Our little baby was born at 12:25 p.m. She weighed 7 lbs. 6 oz. and was 18 1/2 inches long.

I was at the cash register at Kohl's when I got the text message and broke down crying. I'm sure my fellow shoppers thought I'd just had a very expensive bill.

We are so excited, and I wish I could just go get her right now! We should be able to bring her home on Friday. We plan to name her Baylie.

Birth Mother Arrival

Our birth mother arrived in Utah this morning and will be delivering the baby in the morning. I can't stop thinking about her and wondering what she is thinking and feeling tonight. Is she at peace with her decision? Does she have second thoughts? Is her heart breaking knowing she is placing her baby? What does she look like? Is she a happy person? Our adoption agent told us she is very nice and cute. I wish I could hug her and thank her.

Our Baby
This baby is yours
And soon it will be mine.
As excited as I am to hold on,
You must be sad to let go.

Like the women in Solomon's court,
We stand side by side,
With a babe
Torn between us.

How can I thank you enough
for making this sacrifice?
Can you understand
that your broken heart heals mine?

In the days, weeks, months
and even years to come,
I'll watch our baby grow
And think of you.

Not Alone

We went to an adoption meeting last week where we got to meet with other adoptive parents. It was so great to meet other people who are experiencing and feeling what we are. We could especially relate to the poor young woman who broke down in tears as she expressed her frustration over the cost of adoption and the guilt that comes when you feel like you're putting a price on a baby, knowing that all babies are priceless. It's such a difficult and emotional process.

We also learned that for every baby placed by LDS Family Services, there are 350 couples waiting. Since they require an up front fee of $1,000, that means they are collecting $350,000 for each baby they place! That just seems wrong. One reason we love Heart and Soul Adoptions is that they don't charge anything other than the home study until you are actually matched with a birth mom. That seems so much more fair.

Homemade

I love homemade things. Some of my most treasured possessions are quilts, afghans and other handicrafts passed on from my mother, grandmothers or great-grandmothers. Following in the tradition, my mother and I have crocheted around blankets and made quilts for the new arrival. I've also knitted some things that I'll post later. It's all kind of surreal to imagine wrapping my own baby in the blanket I'm making. I don't think it will feel real until I'm actually holding the baby.

Gettin Ready

Despite our efforts to stay calm and not get overly excited, WE ARE EXCITED! We spent the weekend moving stuff from our storage shed into our room. It's looking so cute! We are pretty much ready and now we just need the baby. One nice thing about being the last one of all our friends to have kids is that our friends have us fully stocked. We have a basinette, crib, swing, stroller, car seat, and five totes of baby clothes. We have more boy clothes than girl clothes, but either way - we're in good shape. Special thanks goes out to Laura, Cynthia, Casey, Tiffani, my mom and all our other friends and family that have been so generous in helping us get ready.

Being Barren

I have often reflected on the fact that if I can't have children, I'm at least glad that I live in this day and age. It would have been much harder to have lived in Biblical times when barreness carried such a stigma and husbands could divorce wives simply because there were no children - regardless of who was the cause (it seems it was always perceived to be the woman's fault). I think there are still cultures today with this type of philosophy. I have also told my husband I'm grateful he's not like Henry VIII who would have had me beheaded by now.

I wanted to share a couple of poems I've written about infertility. One is funny, the other not. Hope you enjoy them. They both helped me at the time of writing.

Ode to Infertility
I can’t seem to get pregnant,
But it’s okay you see
Cause everyone around me
Knows how to, except me.

They say:
Do it in the morning
No, only sex at night
Do it standing on your head
Then cross your legs real tight.

Try sex while facing downward
But only once a week,
Trust me this one always works
You’re on a winning streak.

Never drink your orange juice
Eat honey every day
Eat lots of sweet potatoes
You’ll have success that way.

You’re probably just way to stressed
So be sure to relax,
Maybe take vacation
Want more advise? Just ask.

You could always try adoption
That’s a certain cure.
‘Cause once you adopt a baby
You’ll get pregnant for sure.

You prob’ly haven’t prayed enough
It’s all an attitude
Just try a little harder
(I hope I don’t sound rude.)

Me again:
So I guess I’ll keep on trying
For an oven with a bun.
The one good thing about it -
At least the trying’s fun.


The Empty Womb
My womb is dry.
A dark and dreary cavern,
Filled with sperm
wandering aimlessly
and without purpose.
A black hole
in the space of my abdomen.

Sometimes I lie at night,
the silence echoing around
the chamber of death.
(Can there be death
where there is no life?)

I can’t question why.
To do so would show
a lack of faith.
I’m afraid if my faith
is less than perfect,
I will disqualify myself
from a blessing
that is not mine.

Did I make some
long-forgotten choice
for which
this is the consequence?