What NOT to Say

I have recently met some women who are struggling with infertility. I hurt for them. It reminds me of some of the feelings and difficulties I've had in the past. I have to confess that I haven’t felt “infertile” ever since we adopted Baylie, but I still remember some of the thoughtless things people said to me when I was struggling with my infertility. So, I thought I would list my top 10 things you should never say to an infertile woman. I do not pretend to speak for all infertile women, but these are all things that were actually said to me, believe it or not, even #1.

10. Don’t share the success stories of other people you know. Hearing that other people are successful while I still feel like a failure just increases feelings of lonliness, unworthiness and frustration. Even if the other person was infertile too, sometimes I feel overwhelmed by advice. I love sharing stories and feelings with close friends who are going through what I am, but I don’t like hearing from people I barely know or don’t know at all. For a funny point of view on this, you can read my poem from an earlier post.

9. “You just need to relax” or “just go on a vacation or get away together.” First of all, it’s pretty much impossible to “relax” about infertility and secondly, it makes me feel like it is something I should be able to control or fix. Just because someone you know got pregnant while on a cruise, doesn’t mean that if I do the same, my eggs will magically become viable.

8. “You could always adopt. There are lots of babies in China.” Adoption is not a consolation prize for not being able to have a biological child. Adoption is a serious undertaking that brings it’s own list of concerns, considerations, emotions and prayer. No one should adopt just because they can’t have a biological child and feel pressured to raise a family. It is a very personal decision that shouldn’t be made overnight. It’s a complex issue in regards to sex, race, culture, economics and the emotional ability to love an adopted child the same you would a biological child. Couples need to be honest with themselves when making this decision and outside pressure only makes this harder. I was scared to death to adopt and am so grateful, and frankly relieved, that God sent us Baylie because I have found it so easy to love her.

7. “I know how you must feel.” No one knows how I feel. Not even another infertile person knows exactly how I feel, although they certainly have a better idea than someone who has been able to have children. Even my husband can’t understand what it is like for me to be infertile. My pain is very personal.

6. “The Lord only blessed us with seven children. We wanted more, but I guess the Lord knows what’s best.” Sorry, but you only being blessed with seven children, or one, is not the same as my not being able to have a single biological child. Please don’t pretend you understand. (I had to laugh at this one because I was so shocked that the woman truly thought she could understand how I felt.)

5. “You’re so lucky…” whatever follows this statement is not appreciated and just undermines the pain of being infertile (i.e. because you don’t have to change diapers, you don’t have a crying baby, you don’t have to go through pregnancy or the pain of labor). Although there have been Sundays where I would hear screaming children and be grateful that I didn’t have to deal with them, most days I would have gladly traded places with the frazzled mother.

4. “Don’t worry. It will happen in the Lord’s time.” I can’t help but worry. I’m not getting any younger. I’m dealing with very personal issues regarding the “Lord’s time” and sometimes they stretch my testimony to the limit. Believe me, I’ve done a lot of thinking about the Lord’s time. And for many of us, the Lord’s answer will be that we won’t have biological children. Being patient isn’t going to change that. I’m dealing with this the best way I know how.

3. Don’t complain about how sick and tired you are because you’re pregnant. I don’t feel sorry for you. You’re lucky. Hearing you complain about being pregnant tears me apart.

2. “It’s just a matter of faith. You need to have more faith.” (This one was said in Spanish, but I’ve translated it here.) I recognize that it’s a journey of faith, but it’s my journey and I’m doing the best I can to walk it. Please don’t suggest that I lack faith or that if I had faith I could get pregnant. Trust me, I feel enough guilt wondering if I lack faith or if I have done something wrong to deserve this. Sometimes it’s just biological.

1. “You should douche with 7-Up.” No further comment needed on this one.

Actually my favorite advice came from my cousin’s little boy when he was only about three years old. He told his uncle that he just needed to do “more of that sexy thing.” From the mouth of babes…