What a Difference a Year Makes

I made these Uggs for Tiffani's twins and now Baylie gets to wear them. They're so cute on her with her little mini skirt.

This seems to be my theme of the year as every day I reflect on one way or another my life is so much different than it was a year ago.

Exactly one year ago today I was told that I would never have a biological child. I was very proud of myself because I didn't cry in front of the doctor. I thanked him for his honesty and made my way out as fast as I could. As I made my co-payment, I was struck by the irony of paying someone for giving me the worst news of my life. I finally made it to my car where I was free to cry by myself.

I knew I still had to drive home, so I got control of myself and tried not to think too much. When my mind wandered too far, I would start to cry again and it would be hard to see the road. I tried to keep my mind on neutral thoughts. It was an incredibly long drive from Sandy to Provo, Utah. Normally it's less than 30 minutes, but it seemed an eternity to me that day.

When I walked in the door, my mom looked at me with expectation - we had all thought that I was on my way to in vitro fertilization. One look at my face told her that the news was not good. I could tell she wanted to hug me, but I held out the palm of my hand and asked her not to talk to me yet. I went downstairs (David and I were living with my parents at the time) and collapsed on the floor by the side of the bed. I pulled up my knees under my chin and finally let myself sob. I'm not usually a big cryer, but I cried hard and I cried long.

My sister was visiting and I could hear her twins playing upstairs. It was like salt in my wound. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't let me be a mother. I knew he could do it if he wanted to, but for some reason, he didn't. Was I not worthy? Was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? We hadn't even had any leads on adoption. I was angry that not only could I not have a biological child, but I wasn't even being allowed to adopt a child. Why? Why? Why?

Even in the middle of my hurt and anger, I could feel logic creeping in. I didn't really want to be logical, I wanted to be emotional. But on one hand, it was a relief to know that it was okay to quit trying to have a biological child. No more shots, no more pills, no more exams and no more money toward infertility. I was reminded that I had to wait a long time to get married and I ended up with a great husband. I knew I needed to keep having faith and patience and to trust in God, but at the moment - I just hurt.

Now, I sit here tonight and look at my beautiful daughter smiling upside down at me. She has the cutest grin in the world. God has blessed me with one of the most beautiful of all his children. Not only is she physically beautiful, but her soul touches my soul and I feel so lucky to be her mother. It is such a miracle to me that she ended up on this couch next to me.

It's funny how small our trials look in the rear view mirror when at the time we face them they seem like insurmountable roadblocks. Sitting by my bed last year, I wondered if I'd ever be truly happy again. I wondered if my life really had a purpose. I wondered what my future would be like. Now I know.