Helping Those Who Have Lost an Infant

Recently a dear friend of mind lost a little girl just hours after she was born. My friend knew that her little baby would face severe challenges, but she did not know that she would lose her baby so soon. My heart breaks for her and because she lives far away, I feel at a loss about how to help her. I contacted another friend of mine who also lost a little girl on the day she was born not very long ago. I asked him for advice on what I could do to help. He gave me so much wonderful information that I wanted to share it. With his permission (and removing information to maintain his privacy), I'm sharing his advice on what to and not to do. (I'm writing it in the first person since I am just copying his words.)

First, I acknowledge that it's difficult to know what to say and do for someone in this situation. There are definitely things NOT to say and do, though, so let me start with those. 

WHAT NOT TO SAY
After our daughter passed, we unfortunately found ourselves having to bite our tongues and be very patient with people who would say things that did more to intensify our grief rather than relieve it. 

We knew they meant well and that it was challenging for them to find the right words, but I firmly believe 'less is more' in this case. A simple "I'm sorry about your baby" or "I'm so sorry for your loss" is much better than any of the following. My advice is to never say anything like:

"At least your baby isn't suffering."
"At least you're young enough to still have more children."
"At least you hadn't really known or bonded with the baby yet"
"I know how you feel."
"At least you have other children."
"This is nature's way of taking care of deformities."
"This is for the best. Think of the life she would have had if she'd lived."
Etc. 

WHAT NOT TO DO
1) Don't disappear.
We noticed some people would completely avoid us at church and other social situations. We knew they felt awkward, but being avoided only added to the burden. 

2) Don't ignore the loss. 
We noticed some people chose not to avoid us while at the same pretending that nothing happened. This only intensified our discomfort. Our baby was real to us, and we wanted to know she was real to everyone else. 

3) Don't expect people to grieve on your timetable. 
It's easy to say, "They need to get on with their lives and not hold on to their grief," but grieving can take months, even years. I believe you never truly get over an event like that. You merely learn to cope. I fell into a deep depression for three months, while everyone else simply moved on. I felt like I was expected to act like everything was ok and "back to normal" because after the funeral, no one wanted to deal with the situation any more. For them, it was done and over with. To me, it keeps going on...even today.

4) Don't compare tragedies. 
I think it's human nature to compare one person's tragedy to another's. Never say, "Well, I knew someone who's healthy baby also died" or "who lost a 3-year-old," etc. By comparing, you minimize your friend's loss and you compare things that, in reality, may not have much in common. 

5) Don't preach or philosophize. 
People don't need to be reminded about doctrines and theories at a time like this. Knowing gospel doctrine doesn't make the loss easier to bear initially. I always tell people that while the gospel brings peace and perspective, it doesn't fill empty arms. I know we'll see our daughter again. What I don't know is how I'm going to make it through every awful, empty day until then. 

Ok, now that the "don'ts" are off my mind, here are a few suggested "DOs". 

1) Remember your friends when they need it the most. 
We had some great friends who, after our daughter died, increased their invitations to us to do things together. That was great. Often we turned them down because we didn't feel up to socializing, but that didn't deter them. They kept inviting us anyway. We appreciated their invitations and it didn't seem phony or forced because they'd been inviting us to do things anyway. 

Also, the holidays and anniversaries of the baby's birth and death can be particularly difficult. I remember how badly we wanted someone to call us on the one month anniversary of our daughter's death. No one did, and my wife was devastated. The 3-month and 6-month anniversaries were equally challenging, as I anticipate the 1-year anniversary will be. On those days, it's just nice to be remembered with a simple "Thinking about you and your baby today." 

Plenty of people will rally around your friend in the first week or two after the baby's death. Beyond that, people move on with their lives and forget. It was two weeks after our daughter''s death that the emptiness and loneliness really set in for us. That's the time people need to be remembered. 

2) Send a letter or card. 
Emails are nice, but there's nothing like holding (and even smelling) a card in your hand. A personal note, especially when least expected, is a great way to convey feelings of love and support. Emails seemed so "cheap."

3) Help with practical matters. 
Given the distance between you and your friend, you may be limited as to what you can do. We appreciated people who took charge instead of asking, "Is there anything I can do?" I think we're conditioned to be self-sufficient and not ask for help. We were really grateful to people who took the bull by the horns and brought dinner, a plant, a plate of treats, helped clean our house or tended our children all without us asking them or them asking us. They followed their instincts. The Spirit can help guide you with this. 

4) Send a thoughtful gift. 
I have five sisters. The one who is not religiously active has been the best one at providing support. Not only does she have a way of sending some of the most tender gifts we've received, she also sends thoughtful cards at random times. It's been nice to know someone else has been thinking about our daughter when it isn't an anniversary or holiday. Our favorite gift from her were some rose bushes and a sign commemorating our daughter's birth that we could use to put in a memorial garden at our new home. She also gave us a beautiful Christmas ornament in our daughter's honor. 

5) Listen. 
I found great comfort in sharing my experience. Not all people do (like my wife--she tends to internalize things more). I appreciated people who would listen unconditionally without judging or offering advice. I still find comfort in talking about the experience. 

So, I feel like I've written a novel here. This may be more than you were hoping for, but hopefully you'll find something in it of value. 

Bottom line is, people grieve differently. Even though my wife and I have been complete opposites in the way we've handled our daughter's death, everything I've mentioned above rang true for both of us. 

I love the parents of both of these little girls. As I grieve for them, I look at my little children and feel so grateful. I think of my Granny who also lost a little girl shortly after she was born and wish I had asked her more about it.

In two weeks, it will be Mother's Day. This will be an incredibly painful day for these families. I hope that if there is someone you know experiencing something similar, you will take the time to share your love with them.