I Love My Family

I don't know why, but God has blessed me with the best family - the one I have now and the one in which I was raised. I have always felt that some people were sent to their families because their families needed them and others were sent to their families because they needed their families. I think I belong to the latter group.

We had a family birthday party for Baylie on Saturday. Most of the family was able to be there (we missed you Tiff!). I love spending time with my family. It's my favorite thing about being back in Utah. I love that Baylie is surrounded by her cousins, aunts, uncles, Grammy and Grandad. I loved growing up that way and I'm glad she gets this experience. I hope that when David is finished with school, we can live close by family again.

My sister-in-law, Shanelle, made Baylie this awesome Princess and the Pea cake. She has all boys, so I think she had fun making a girl cake.


Our little party girl.

A Long Week

I don't get sad very often. This week has been a sad week. It should have been a happy week.

Saturday - Baylie had a fever that got up to 101.5. She was a little better by Sunday, but we stayed home from church.

Tuesday - The transracial adoption conference was mostly a bummer, plus I got a migrane that led to nausia.

Thursday - Baylie's birthday. We had a fun day with her. Unfortunately, we also found out that David's sister's estranged husband had been killed the day before. I have wanted to blog about this, but it's not my story to tell and I'm not sure this is the right medium in which to talk about it. Adam was in the military and was preparing for his fourth deployment to the Middle East. We hadn't seen him for a couple of years since they had been separated for a while, but I always liked him and he was always kind to us. As we celebrated Baylie's birthday, I couldn't stop thinking about Adam's mother and the fact that she didn't lose a grown man, father of two (he's the same age as David), but she lost her little boy. She had thrown him a first birthday party, helped him buy school clothes and tried to protect him from harm. She had prepared herself for his death three times as he went to the Middle East only to have him come home safe and then die here in the U.S. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, about him.

Friday - Last night David and I watched Roots. It was through Netflix, so we only get one CD at a time and I think there are eight total. It's probably good because I'm not sure I can handle more than 1 1/2 hours at a time. It's such an emotional and painful story. It's so hard to understand how human beings can treat each other like animals. I imagine that one day I'll sit and watch this movie with Baylie when she's older. I'd also like her to see Amistad, The Express, Men of Honor and other movies that tell the darker side of prejudice, but also man's ability to overcome in spite of it.

Saturday - Today is Baylie's birthday party. I'm looking forward to celebrating with the family. I love to be around my family. It's my favorite thing about living in Utah. But I can't stop thinking about the fact that next Saturday we'll be at Adam's funeral with David's family.

I was lying on the floor thinking of these things when all of a sudden a little head with bouncy braids and cherubic cheeks was thrust an inch from my face. I said "BOO!" and Baylie squealed with laughter. I'm reminded that regardless of what happens outside the walls of our little home, inside of it I can create an atmosphere of happiness and love. I love Baylie and I'm so glad she's our daughter. I'm sure this week will be better.

Happy Birthday, Baylie!

I can't believe our little girl is a year old today. The time has just flown by. As Baylie has reached each stage, I have wanted her to stay that way, but then I love the next stage just as much. This has been the best year of my life and she won't remember any of it.

Here is a slide show of some of our favorite first year moments.

It Don't Matter if You're Black or White

Unfortunately, according to what I heard all day yesterday, Michael Jackson was wrong. It does matter - a lot.

I attended a transracial conference yesterday that left me very conflicted. Much of what I heard was positive and helpful. Much of what I heard was also discouraging. In fact, I have heard that some people who were considering transracial adoption are now having second thoughts after attending the conference. I think this is unfortunate.

I have to start by saying how hard it is for me to even talk about race. It seems that people of color can say whatever they want about race and it's okay, even if it is hurtful to whites. But as a white person, I feel like I walk on eggshells whenever I approach the topic because I'm so worried about causing offense or saying something wrong. I initially was resistant to adopting a black child because it just seemed like adopting someone of my own race would be easier. I didn't know how I would handle the judgements of others and if my child and I would be truly able to relate to one another. My daughter is black and race is now a part of my daily life. While I want to be informed and open minded, I don't think race has to be the center of our life.

The first presenter was a white Jewish woman. She has been part of the largest study ever done on transracial adoption. This includes black children adopted by white parents and white children adopted by black parents. She has 20 years of solid research to back up her facts. I found her presentation very encouraging. Here are some of the results that I found most interesting.

- Children in transracial families do not appear to have racial prejudices. For example, when asked to select the doll (black or white) that is prettiest, smartest, etc., they show no preference. This is significantly lower than children who are raised in same-race families.

- Transracial adoptive parents seem to be more concerned with maintaining cultural identity than the children. For example, the children would prefer to just talk about their interests than their race.

- Studies showed that adopted children, including transracially adopted children, had self esteem as high as those who were not adopted. They also showed equal satisfaction with family life.

- By far the majority of transracial adoptees and their white siblings agreed that there was no harm in transracial adoption. Seventy percent stated it was okay to place back children with white families without stipulation. They disagreed with the stance taken by the National Association of Black Social Workers.

- Only 7% of trans-racially adopted children said they would have preferred to have been adopted by same-race parents.

- Percentage wise, more blacks than whites adopt, but there are more black children available for adoption than can be adopted into black families.


There were some other studies done by graduate students that were much smaller in scope and much more negative toward trans-racial adoption. I know I am looking at this through my particular lense, but they seemed to want to promote their agenda without substantive proof to back it up like the 20-year study. I did find one study interesting that said participants from a strong religious background seemed to identify more with their religious identity than their racial identity. Wouldn't it be great if we all just saw ourselves as children of God without any racial divide?

One thing I definitely did NOT agree with that was presented in a movie at the conference was a statement made by a white mother that had adopted two black boys. She stated that she knew hers was the third best family for her children. That the best family would have been their biological family, second would have been a black family and hers only third. This thought disturbed me. I liked the comment someone made at lunch saying that it would be like turning it around and saying Baylie is the third best child for us, first would be a biological child and second a white child. We all agreed that we didn't feel that way. I know we are the best family we could possibly be and I wouldn't change anything. If I had to choose between Baylie and a biological child, I would choose Baylie without hesitation. She couldn't be any more my daughter than if I had carried her in my womb.

One of my favorite parts of the conference was a panel of transracially adopted college-age students. They were obviously confident and well-adjusted. I was moved by how they spoke of the impact their mothers had on their lives and their self confidence. Some of these panelists had been adopted as infants and some were adopted at a later age through foster care, but their experiences were similar in regards to their racial identity and their feelings about transracial adoption.

Sometimes I think about the fact that my religious heritage was subjected to rape, persecution and being driven from place to place, but that is never the focus of my religious history. I realize that religious persecution doesn't equate to slavery since my ancestors had the option of moving from place to place to try and escape persecution and they chose to follow their religion, it wasn't forced upon them based on the color of their skin. Nevertheless, I think it's been healthy to focus on the positive aspects of the people who overcame the persecution rather than focus on the persecution itself.

There was one person who stood up in the conference and stated, "You brought us here. You put bands on our wrists and brought us here as slaves." She went on to state that it was white people's fault that the successful black actors have lighter skin and that Beyonce's hair is now lighter than when she first started. I have trouble seeing that correlation. I know I have seen quotes by Bill Cosby and Will Smith complaining about the black community telling an educated black man that he is trying to be white. It is hard to understand where or if there is any fault in these types of situations. All I know is that I like a variety of actors, musicians, people in general and I don't think I base it on their skin color. I know that sometimes I pre-judge, but often it's based more on clothing or demeanor than on skin color. If anything, I think I'm more worried about pre-judging a black person so I consciously try to be neutral which in and of itself is prejudicial. I don't know how to undo that.

All I know is that I want Baylie to be prepared to face the world, but I don't want to send her out with a chip on her shoulder, looking for offense where none is intended. I don't want her to try and define herself based on the color of her skin. I want her to have positive role models from a variety of races, religions and cultures. Because of my job, I have friends all over the world. That has so greatly enriched my life. Right now there is an office wall in Tel Aviv with my daughter's picture plastered all over it. I love knowing that. I'm pretty sure her picture is also hanging up in Mexico City. I know my dear Colombian friend (Tia Sandy) who lives in Houston has Baylie's picture in her cube at work. I want to teach Baylie Spanish. I hope her dad will teach her Italian. I want to show her the world and teach her to love people from all over this planet.

I shared some of my feelings of inadequacy at a recent church meeting called Genesis that is predominately black. After my comments, the leader of the congregation - who is black - stood up and put his arm around me and said, "Sister, we've got your back." I hope so. I truly thank God for men like him and the others who came up to me afterwards. I hope that people like us can mold my daughter's character and identity.

Undoubtedly she will face prejudice. I already have faced it because I chose to adopt her. I don't care. I love her and while love can't solve all problems, it will be the foundation we build on. We'll just have to do the best we can.

Like Mother, Like Daughter

When my mom saw the picture of Baylie and the toilet paper on my blog, she dug up this old picture of me emptying a box of kleenex. I love that she has these things.

Baby Dreads

I love this hairdo. David doesn't like it. (Good thing I'm the one that does her hair...)

Fun Baylie Pictures

Leaving the scene of the crime.

This is called the orange peel. Sometimes I braid it and sometimes we just do the pom-poms. The boar's hair brush has been a big success in doing Baylie's hair. Yesterday she even fell asleep while I did her hair.

Front view

Pom-pom style

Baylie loves to crawl underneath her high chair. Unfortunately, she has a little trouble crawling out.

A Very Pleasant Surprise

Today was one of those days where I felt like a slug. Everything seemed a little off. I didn't have time to shower, get dressed or even brush my teeth. I felt yucky. I got a call from another mom reminding me about our playgroup. I had completely forgotten about it and didn't want to go because I was yucky. I was bummed because I didn't leave the house yesterday and it would have been nice to get out today. In the midst of my apathy, a knock came at the door. I could only open the door a crack because Baylie had strewn shoes, an umbrella stroller and some boxes in front of it. Imagine my surprise to see my dear friend Beth!

Beth was one of my mission companions. I love her. The last time we saw each other was almost two years ago, but Beth is one of those friends that Anne of Green Gables calls a kindred spirit. Beth is also the kind of friend that didn't care I looked like a slug, overlooked Baylie's spit-covered onesie and sat right down and had a pb&j with us. I love her.

Beth and I lived together, literally at the end of the earth. We were in Rio Gallegos, Argentina, which is just north of the Strait of Magellan. It was cold and wet. The sun came up at 10 a.m. and went down at 4 p.m. It could have been a dark and depressing place, but because I was there with Beth, it was fun and I have great memories of that time. Beth's suitcase was like Mary Poppins's carpet bag. She pulled all kinds of things out of there. It was truly magical. (She even had stuff to repair our bathroom sink!)


Here are some of my favorite Beth memories.


For a while, there were three of us together. We always wore long dark trench coats and got in the habit of calling our selves "Cappi's Angels" (our mission president's last name was Cappi). We used to have to decide whether to sprint across the empty lot in front of our apartment or walk the long way around. We'd get in our Cappi's Angels poses and then sprint across the field.


I was with Beth when I saw my first penguin - a sorry little thing that had been caught in an oil spill.


We used to walk in water that came up over our ankles. On this occasion, I played the hero and carried her across!


This is one of my favorite pictures of my mission. The Spanish writing says "Get out Yankees!"


Even when we weren't companions anymore, we got to serve in the same city so we could still see each other regularly. Here we are enjoying some local transportation.

There are so many memories that come to mind. I love you, Beth!

After her visit, I brushed my teeth, took a shower and got dressed. Beth's visit was just what I needed!

Great Comics - Thanks Mom

Zits


Baby Blues

Adoption Financing - Part 1

You can help us finance our next adoption when you shop online. It won't cost you anything extra, but if you do your online shoping at onecause.com, you can indicate us as beneficiaries and we will receive credit for your purchase. onecause uses popular merchants such as WalMart (wish I had known about this when I was developing all the pictures for Baylie's birthmom!) Amazon.com, Target, BabiesRUs, JetBlue and many more.

Here's what you do:

1. Go to onecause.com and click Join.
2. Choose the National Adoption Foundation to receive credit for your purchases.
3. Once you have registered, go to "My Home" and select "Supporter Crediting."
4. Click on "Enroll in the National Adoption Foundation Supporter Crediting Program."
5. Enter my e-mail: kristin.batchelor27@yahoo.com and we will receive the credit for your purchases.

The National Adoption Foundation gives grants to families trying to adopt, but they aren't able to provide them to everyone who applies. (We're trying to get a grant right now.) This new program gives them additional funding while also ensuring that we get some financial assistance. Please know that we're not asking you to donate anything to us, but just to purchase things you were going to buy anyway. If you do it through the onecause web site, then it can help us out. We've added a link to the onecause web site to our blog (see right margin).

Adoption Financing - Part 2, Adoption Tax Credit

This post is primarily for someone who is considering adoption and has questions about the cost of adoption. It is information I wish I could have had more clearly explained to me earlier, so hopefully it will be helpful. I will outline cost information first and then some of the ways you can try and get assistance. I am basing this on Baylie's adoption. Different agencies charge different fees, but it should at least give you an idea. Also, because we were in Texas and Utah, we had some additional charges that may not apply if only one state is involved.

Costs
Physical exams - $15 co-pay x 2 parents = $30
Infant CPR Course (required in TX, but not in UT) - $30
Baby Care Basics class (required in TX, but not in UT) - $30
Fingerprinting - $101
Background check - $60.50
Birth certificates for adoptive parents - $36
Home study - $1,000
Home study Update - $350
Post placement visit - $150 x 2 = $300
Agency Match Fee (when they found us a birth mom) - $3,400
Agency Placement Fee - $15,100
Birth mother's airfare - $832
Gift for birth mother - $200
Attorney's fees (our attorney is less expensive than most) - $692
Nursery bill - $700
Copies of adoption decree - $20
Copies of birth certificate - $60

With all of the above, plus some additional fees related to a failed attempt to adopt through LDS Family Services and some expedited background checks and birth certificates, the total we paid for Baylie's adoption was $23,546. We have found this to be comparable to what other couples have paid for their agency adoptions. We did not have travel expenses as our birth mom came to Utah to deliver.

Note: LDS Family Services offers a much less expensive option; however, they get far more couples interested in adoption than they do babies. Consequently, many couples pay the up front fees without ever getting a baby. For example, we paid LDS Family Services $1,500 and will not get any of that back.

Child protective services is another much less expensive option. In fact, you often get financial assistance and health benefits when adopting through CPS. The drawbacks are that you may not be able to adopt a child you foster and it is more difficult to get an infant.

Financial Assistance
Adoption Tax Credit - One of the things I have been relying on was the adoption tax credit. Unfortunately, it turns out I was counting my chickens before they were hatched. I was under the mistaken impression that we would be getting $11,500 back from our tax return. Well, that is not exactly how it works. The adoption tax credit is just that, a credit. What that means is if we had paid $11,500 in taxes, we could get that all back. We didn't pay nearly that much in taxes. Fortunately, the tax credit can be spread over five years, so essentially now David and I will show ourselves as tax exempt until we have recuperated that amount. That's nice, but it doesn't give us the lump sum we had thought would be coming and which we thought would pay off Baylie's adoption, enabling us to adopt again. Had I realized this is how it works, I would have shown us as tax exempt once we brought Baylie home. It is wise to keep track of all your adoption expenses and have a professional assist you in filing your return.

State Adoption Indemnity - Some states allow an insurance reimbursement when you adopt. In the state of Utah, I believe it is around $4,000. This only applies if you have an insurance program that you direclty pay for. As our insurance is paid for by my employer and deducted from my salary, we did not qualify for this program.

Employer Adoption Programs - Many companies have an adoption reimbursement policy. The company I work for will give a $4,000 adoption credit. It is received after finalization and is taxed as income.

Gift of Adoption Grant - This company accepts grant applications with an application fee of $40. The grant must be applied for after a home study has been completed and before placement. We did not receive a grant for Baylie's adoption, but have applied again. Grants are approved monthly and range from $1,000 - $7,500 and average $3,500. Only about eight grants are approved each month.

National Adoption Foundation Grants - These grants are approved quarterly and range from $500 - $2,500. We did not receive a grant for Baylie's adoption, but have applied again. The foundation has a credit card available for 0% interest for six months. The foundation also has a program through onesource where online purchases can be applied towards adoption (see other post for more details).

Home Equity Loans - One of the most common methods for financing adoption is through home equity loans. Some banks even give 0% interest on home equity loans if they are for adoption. Unfortunately for us, we are trying to sell our home, so it doesn't make sense for us to take out an equity loan.

Retirement Accounts - If you decide to cash in a 401K in order to finance an adoption, any penalties that would be applied may actually be covered by the adoption tax credit.

I am certianly not an expert, and I'm learning as I go, but hopefully this information will be helpful to anyone who wants a better idea of the cost breakdown.

Uh, Dad...

...remember how Mom has been nagging you to childproof the bathroom? It's time.

And I'm posting this one just because I love it.