What's black, white and red all over?

Me and Baylie after she spits her prunes all over both of us! (Actually the prunes are more dark brown than red, but that would ruin the joke.)

In the picture, she's eating green beans, but you get the idea. She loves spitting while eating her cereal now. It's so much more fun than just swallowing!

One more week until court (Tuesday, Sept. 23).

To Mom and Dad

I hope I haven't already posted this one.

Love

Love is 

   taking your little girl

   to the circus 

   when her brother is born

   so she'll know she's still important.

Love is

   wanting to walk 

   to school with your daughter

   even though she thinks

   she's old enough to walk alone.

Love is

   telling your daughter

   about sex

   and answering the hard questions

   even when you feel uncomfortable.

Love is

   letting your daughter

   stand on the sidelines

   sit in the dugout

   and drive your car.

Love is

   getting up early

   in the freezing dawn

   to meet your daughter

   for a morning swim.

Love is

   driving down Baja

   and leaving your daughter

   to live and work

   in a foreign land.

Love is

   trusting your daughter

   to choose the right man

   even when her choice

   seems unusual.

Love is

   crying with your daughter 

   when she tries 

   to start her own family

   and fails.

Love is

   opening a financial path

   to adoption for your daughter

   so she too

   can love her daughter.

Thanks Mom and Dad. I love you back.

Sometimes It's Hard to Be a Woman

Advance warning - this blog post is not for men or women who don't like talking about "feminine stuff." 

Since the day before I started my first period (I warned you about the topic...) when I was about 13 years old, I have suffered from horrible cramps, heavy bleeding and other discomforts. My entire life, this monthly visit has been accompanied by discomfort, nausea, public humiliation, etc., etc. I'll spare you details, but you could ask my mother about one very memorable trip to Milan where I spent most of one day standing in the shower. I remember reading Anne Frank where she talks about how happy she is to have her period. Strange girl (no disrespect intended).

I remember drinking some raspberry concoction (disgusting), doing exercises and a variety of other things to try and diminish my pain and discomfort. I must send a thank you out to the makers of Aleve as that is the only thing that has ever helped. I originally took it under a different name in prescription form and was so grateful when it became available over the counter.

In my attempts to get pregnant, I have taken different medications, given myself shots and been subjected to a variety of uncomfortable and painful tests and treatments. It wasn't until I was 39 that a doctor finally told me that I should just quit trying; I had less than a 5% chance of getting pregnant. It was actually a relief to just know.

And now, after having my latest period last for approximately 71 days, I'm going to undergo a uterine ablation. This is a procedure that will burn away the endometrial lining of my uterus. It sounds kind of extreme, but it's either that or a historectomy. It will be nice to not have my period for awhile.

You may wonder why I am blogging about this. Well, it's because I feel one of the biggest injustices of my life is that I've had to go through this if I wasn't going to have biological children. I am thrilled to be Baylie's mom and have no regrets about not having biological children, but I think I could have been spared all the garbage under the circumstances. 

Yummy Cereal

Okay, this is probably a blog only a mother would love since it's long and probably boring to everyone but me and David. Also, I apologize in advance for my obnoxious laugh. We're quite proud of Baylie's eating ability though.

The Joy of Adoption

Last night my mom and I went to a picnic hosted by our adoption agency. It was my first one, so I didn't really know what to expect. There were several families there and children of all sizes and colors.

I didn't know anyone but the ladies from the agency and I'm not usually outgoing in a group, so mostly I just sat with my mom and observed others.

As I looked around, I couldn't help but marvel at the happiness that surrounded me. I figured that most of these parents had been through what we had been through. The pain and heartache of infertility followed by the hope, frustration and financial stress of adoption. It's a long road and only someone who has walked it knows what it's really like. I got emotional thinking of how we all now share a joy only found through finally receiving a long-awaited child. My mom pointed out how the fathers in particular carried their new infants with such pride and posessiveness. It was a beautiful site to see. I particularly liked seeing other families like ours - white parents with beautiful black children (although I have to say that Baylie was the cutest baby there - I'm sure I'm totally objective about that.).

What a great job the ladies of Heart and Soul Adoptions have - to bring so much joy to so many people. And it's not an easy job. I don't know what everyone else is like to work with, but I know I wasn't easy. By the time I got to them, we had been trying to adopt for three years. I was emotionally exausted. I'm sure there were times I sounded sharp and impatient. I was stressed over how much it was costing to adopt and I couldn't always understand why everything happened how and when it did. But they were always kind, patient and positive. And they gave us the perfect baby. How can you ever repay someone for giving you the best blessing?

I don't know why our road to parenthood was as long or as contorted as it was, but I do know that I was meant to be Baylie's mom and she was meant to be my daughter. If anything had happened differently, we might have missed each other. Any pain I have been through is worth the joy I feel as I tuck her in at night and greet her smiling face every morning.

Freaking Out

Okay, I'm freaking out. Today we met with our attorney to get prepared for court. We learned that our birth father notification wasn't done in the right state, so we still have to get that out of the way before we can finalize. I had thought it was taken care of four months ago, so now I'm stressing out. Partly because I'm hoping it can get done before we go to court, but mostly because secretly I still have a terrifying fear that a birth father will crop up from somewhere and take Baylie from us. The attorney assured us that it is not very likely and in my mind I know that's true, but in my heart, I still worry about it. If we were to lose Baylie at this point, I don't think I could bear it.

Check out those blue eyes!

No Such Thing as Too Many Hugs

I take a lot of good-natured ribbing about the fact that I hold Baylie so much. People say that I'm spoiling her and that she's not happy unless she's being held. It's not true, and even if it is, I don't care. I love to hold her and I'll hold her as much as I possibly can.

Today I read a very emotional blog at http://adailyscoop.blogspot.com/. My sister had told me about this blog that is being written by a mother who recently lost her 14-month old daughter to drowning. I had put off reading it because I knew it would be emotional. It was, and I've spent the past hour crying. But it's not so much a sad blog as it is an emotional blog of a mother working through her feelings and professing her faith in God. It's actually a very faith-promoting blog. After reading it, I am again convinced that I should hold Baylie as much as possible. I recommend this blog to anyone dealing with grief.

Reading her blog also makes me want to share the experience of my miscarriage, but I'll do that another day. For now, I'm going to go snuggle with my daughter and be grateful I have her.