Farewell Gail

On Monday, we flew down to Houston and back for the funeral of a special woman named Gail. We had the opportunity to have Gail live with us for a year while she was undergoing cancer treatment in Houston. Living with Gail was a lot of fun. She is a vivacious person who loved life. One of my greatest regrets will always be the way that Gail left our home as I didn't handle things as graciously as I should have.

Gail had a green funeral. I had never heard of this before, but it was truly the most beautiful funeral I have ever witnessed. Gail's body was not preserved and she was not buried in a coffin. Her body was wrapped in muslin by some of her dearest friends and then draped in a beautiful white cloth. I was reminded of Christ being wrapped in muslin by the women who prepared his body. Then as I saw Gail's body lying there draped in the cloth, I couldn't help but think that she was a bit like Maid Marian or Ophelia or some other romatic figure. Gail had all female pall bearers which was also so appropriate for her and her resting place looked like a forest. It was peaceful, beautiful and natural.

Her funeral was very personal with tributes from each of her three children and two musical numbers sung a capella. David sang one of them and he did a beautiful job. Per Gail's request, there was a jump house out behind the church for the children to play. She made all of her friends promise to jump - and they did. I think the entire day was a great tribute to her and I think she would have really enjoyed it.

Goodbye, Gail. We'll miss you.

Congrats Scott & Beth

My baby brother is finally a daddy! Their little girl was just born tonight. I'm not posting a name, because they keep changing their minds about it. They tried to get pregnant for four years, so this little girl is an enormous blessing in our family. She already looks like a little princess. I'm glad she's close to Baylie's age and hope they'll be great friends.

Scott is the youngest child in our family, so it's kind of ironic that the youngest and oldest are having children at the same time. I love my little brother. I've always thought he was more like me than any of my other siblings. And Beth is the perfect girl for him. I'm so excited for them both.

I wrote a poem about them when they got married. I'll try and dig it out and post it.

What a Difference a Year Makes

I made these Uggs for Tiffani's twins and now Baylie gets to wear them. They're so cute on her with her little mini skirt.

This seems to be my theme of the year as every day I reflect on one way or another my life is so much different than it was a year ago.

Exactly one year ago today I was told that I would never have a biological child. I was very proud of myself because I didn't cry in front of the doctor. I thanked him for his honesty and made my way out as fast as I could. As I made my co-payment, I was struck by the irony of paying someone for giving me the worst news of my life. I finally made it to my car where I was free to cry by myself.

I knew I still had to drive home, so I got control of myself and tried not to think too much. When my mind wandered too far, I would start to cry again and it would be hard to see the road. I tried to keep my mind on neutral thoughts. It was an incredibly long drive from Sandy to Provo, Utah. Normally it's less than 30 minutes, but it seemed an eternity to me that day.

When I walked in the door, my mom looked at me with expectation - we had all thought that I was on my way to in vitro fertilization. One look at my face told her that the news was not good. I could tell she wanted to hug me, but I held out the palm of my hand and asked her not to talk to me yet. I went downstairs (David and I were living with my parents at the time) and collapsed on the floor by the side of the bed. I pulled up my knees under my chin and finally let myself sob. I'm not usually a big cryer, but I cried hard and I cried long.

My sister was visiting and I could hear her twins playing upstairs. It was like salt in my wound. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't let me be a mother. I knew he could do it if he wanted to, but for some reason, he didn't. Was I not worthy? Was I not good enough? What was wrong with me? We hadn't even had any leads on adoption. I was angry that not only could I not have a biological child, but I wasn't even being allowed to adopt a child. Why? Why? Why?

Even in the middle of my hurt and anger, I could feel logic creeping in. I didn't really want to be logical, I wanted to be emotional. But on one hand, it was a relief to know that it was okay to quit trying to have a biological child. No more shots, no more pills, no more exams and no more money toward infertility. I was reminded that I had to wait a long time to get married and I ended up with a great husband. I knew I needed to keep having faith and patience and to trust in God, but at the moment - I just hurt.

Now, I sit here tonight and look at my beautiful daughter smiling upside down at me. She has the cutest grin in the world. God has blessed me with one of the most beautiful of all his children. Not only is she physically beautiful, but her soul touches my soul and I feel so lucky to be her mother. It is such a miracle to me that she ended up on this couch next to me.

It's funny how small our trials look in the rear view mirror when at the time we face them they seem like insurmountable roadblocks. Sitting by my bed last year, I wondered if I'd ever be truly happy again. I wondered if my life really had a purpose. I wondered what my future would be like. Now I know.

Baylie Clips

Heavy Breather

Bouncing Baby (sorry, I don't know how to turn it the right way)

What Happens in Vegas

My mom and I went to Las Vegas last week to visit my sister. My sister was supposed to be a boy. She was born on April Fools Day and turned out to be a girl. We called her Bruce for a while because we didn't have any girl names ready. I've always been so grateful that she was a girl. I love that our daughters are close to the same age (her twins turned one on September 4). I hope they'll be great friends throughout their lives.

It was a good visit and I especially have to thank my sister for two things:

1. Letting me know that it's okay if I don't get dressed until just before David comes home and that it's not the end of the world if I go three days without a shower. I can't even tell you the load of guilt that has lifted off of me.

2. Cutting my hair SHORT. I finally feel like me again. David liked my hair long, so for the first six years of our marriage, I just trimmed it. It was waist length and it was fun to have long hair, but it just didn't feel like me. I got it cut to my shoulder blades not long after we got Baylie, but this time I had her cut it short - to my chin. And to my surprise (and his), David really likes it. He says it makes me look younger!

I'm grateful to my sister for her example. I'm so lucky to have her and my sisters-in-law, Dianne and Shanelle, who are already expert moms. It's so nice to be able to call them for advice when I have questions or concerns. I'm glad that soon Bethany will be a mom too. Maybe she'll even ask me for advice once in a while - now that's a scary thought!

New President

I admit it. I'm a conservative and I wanted John McCain for President. I have serious concerns about Barack Obama. 

But I have to say that as the mother of a beautiful little black girl, I am grateful to be living in a time and place where her color never has to hold her back. And having a black man elected as president may open doors for her that would have otherwise remained closed. At the very least, it should serve as an example of what she can achieve. I hope it will be a positive thing and something that will give her a source of pride as she grows up.  

I was reflecting today on how just a few years ago black children had to duck their heads to shield themselves as they walked into a desegregated school while people threw things at them. And then today to see black and white people in lines circling around schools to cast their votes without regard to race or sex. I'm so glad Baylie is going to grow up in a time where there is less prejudice and violence.

I hope our country can be more united. I hope we can overcome the challenges that we face. I didn't vote for Barack Obama, but I hope he will be successful as our president.

Baylie Bug

Halloween 2008
Originally uploaded by KBATCH

Baylie was a ladybug for Halloween. I think she was just adorable.

I have to admit that this was the first time in several years that I actually looked forward to Halloween. Normally it is not my favorite holiday. David always likes to dress up and since we've been married, I've had to dress up too. This year he went as a ladybug catcher and I was a flower. We won most creative costume at our church party. I think we won because of Baylie.

David was really excited that this year he had an excuse to go trick or treating. He ate all Baylie's candy Halloween night!