Unfortunately, according to what I heard all day yesterday, Michael Jackson was wrong. It does matter - a lot.
I attended a transracial conference yesterday that left me very conflicted. Much of what I heard was positive and helpful. Much of what I heard was also discouraging. In fact, I have heard that some people who were considering transracial adoption are now having second thoughts after attending the conference. I think this is unfortunate.
I have to start by saying how hard it is for me to even talk about race. It seems that people of color can say whatever they want about race and it's okay, even if it is hurtful to whites. But as a white person, I feel like I walk on eggshells whenever I approach the topic because I'm so worried about causing offense or saying something wrong. I initially was resistant to adopting a black child because it just seemed like adopting someone of my own race would be easier. I didn't know how I would handle the judgements of others and if my child and I would be truly able to relate to one another. My daughter is black and race is now a part of my daily life. While I want to be informed and open minded, I don't think race has to be the center of our life.
The first presenter was a white Jewish woman. She has been part of the largest study ever done on transracial adoption. This includes black children adopted by white parents and white children adopted by black parents. She has 20 years of solid research to back up her facts. I found her presentation very encouraging. Here are some of the results that I found most interesting.
- Children in transracial families do not appear to have racial prejudices. For example, when asked to select the doll (black or white) that is prettiest, smartest, etc., they show no preference. This is significantly lower than children who are raised in same-race families.
- Transracial adoptive parents seem to be more concerned with maintaining cultural identity than the children. For example, the children would prefer to just talk about their interests than their race.
- Studies showed that adopted children, including transracially adopted children, had self esteem as high as those who were not adopted. They also showed equal satisfaction with family life.
- By far the majority of transracial adoptees and their white siblings agreed that there was no harm in transracial adoption. Seventy percent stated it was okay to place back children with white families without stipulation. They disagreed with the stance taken by the National Association of Black Social Workers.
- Only 7% of trans-racially adopted children said they would have preferred to have been adopted by same-race parents.
- Percentage wise, more blacks than whites adopt, but there are more black children available for adoption than can be adopted into black families.
There were some other studies done by graduate students that were much smaller in scope and much more negative toward trans-racial adoption. I know I am looking at this through my particular lense, but they seemed to want to promote their agenda without substantive proof to back it up like the 20-year study. I did find one study interesting that said participants from a strong religious background seemed to identify more with their religious identity than their racial identity. Wouldn't it be great if we all just saw ourselves as children of God without any racial divide?
One thing I definitely did NOT agree with that was presented in a movie at the conference was a statement made by a white mother that had adopted two black boys. She stated that she knew hers was the third best family for her children. That the best family would have been their biological family, second would have been a black family and hers only third. This thought disturbed me. I liked the comment someone made at lunch saying that it would be like turning it around and saying Baylie is the third best child for us, first would be a biological child and second a white child. We all agreed that we didn't feel that way. I know we are the best family we could possibly be and I wouldn't change anything. If I had to choose between Baylie and a biological child, I would choose Baylie without hesitation. She couldn't be any more my daughter than if I had carried her in my womb.
One of my favorite parts of the conference was a panel of transracially adopted college-age students. They were obviously confident and well-adjusted. I was moved by how they spoke of the impact their mothers had on their lives and their self confidence. Some of these panelists had been adopted as infants and some were adopted at a later age through foster care, but their experiences were similar in regards to their racial identity and their feelings about transracial adoption.
Sometimes I think about the fact that my religious heritage was subjected to rape, persecution and being driven from place to place, but that is never the focus of my religious history. I realize that religious persecution doesn't equate to slavery since my ancestors had the option of moving from place to place to try and escape persecution and they chose to follow their religion, it wasn't forced upon them based on the color of their skin. Nevertheless, I think it's been healthy to focus on the positive aspects of the people who overcame the persecution rather than focus on the persecution itself.
There was one person who stood up in the conference and stated, "You brought us here. You put bands on our wrists and brought us here as slaves." She went on to state that it was white people's fault that the successful black actors have lighter skin and that Beyonce's hair is now lighter than when she first started. I have trouble seeing that correlation. I know I have seen quotes by Bill Cosby and Will Smith complaining about the black community telling an educated black man that he is trying to be white. It is hard to understand where or if there is any fault in these types of situations. All I know is that I like a variety of actors, musicians, people in general and I don't think I base it on their skin color. I know that sometimes I pre-judge, but often it's based more on clothing or demeanor than on skin color. If anything, I think I'm more worried about pre-judging a black person so I consciously try to be neutral which in and of itself is prejudicial. I don't know how to undo that.
All I know is that I want Baylie to be prepared to face the world, but I don't want to send her out with a chip on her shoulder, looking for offense where none is intended. I don't want her to try and define herself based on the color of her skin. I want her to have positive role models from a variety of races, religions and cultures. Because of my job, I have friends all over the world. That has so greatly enriched my life. Right now there is an office wall in Tel Aviv with my daughter's picture plastered all over it. I love knowing that. I'm pretty sure her picture is also hanging up in Mexico City. I know my dear Colombian friend (Tia Sandy) who lives in Houston has Baylie's picture in her cube at work. I want to teach Baylie Spanish. I hope her dad will teach her Italian. I want to show her the world and teach her to love people from all over this planet.
I shared some of my feelings of inadequacy at a recent church meeting called Genesis that is predominately black. After my comments, the leader of the congregation - who is black - stood up and put his arm around me and said, "Sister, we've got your back." I hope so. I truly thank God for men like him and the others who came up to me afterwards. I hope that people like us can mold my daughter's character and identity.
Undoubtedly she will face prejudice. I already have faced it because I chose to adopt her. I don't care. I love her and while love can't solve all problems, it will be the foundation we build on. We'll just have to do the best we can.
