What to Say and Do

In response to Karen's request, I thought I'd list some of the things that it's good to say or do. Again, I don't pretend to speak for all infertile women, but I think some of these are fairly universal. I'm writing from the first person again just for the sake of delivery.

In my case, I never resented another person's pregnancy provided they were prepared and happy about becoming a mother. I did have a hard time with teenage pregnancies, babies thrown in dumpsters and stories of child abuse.

10. Rather than asking "So, when are you going to have a kid?" or "Why haven't you started a family yet? You shouldn't put it off." ask more general questions like "How are you?" "How is everything going?" If I know you well enough, I'll tell you how I feel about my infertility. I'll bring it up.

9. Go ahead and give me the name and phone number of a friend you have who is suffering from infertility. I like to meet other women who know what I'm going through. Just don't tell me that I "have" to see their doctor or try their treatment.

8. Invite me to hold your children. Somedays I will welcome it and other days it will be hard, but usually I will love the opportunity to cuddle a baby. This may be my only opportunity to play a mom-type role. I have a nephew who would call me "the other mommy." That would almost bring me to tears and I love that little boy so much for calling me that. Because I'm "fluffy" I could often get a little child to sleep when his or her mother couldn't. Those moments made me feel successful in motherhood even though I couldn't have a baby of my own.

7. Invite me to babysit or invite me to your Family Home Evenings. Invite me to birthday parties or other family outings. I like feeling part of a family. I like creating bonds with your children. If I'm not up to it, I'll say no, but please don't hesitate to invite me because you think I'll be uncomfortable.

6. If you see things you admire about me, please tell me. I often feel like I have little or no worth since I'm not able to fulfill my role as a mother. If you point out other things I do well or other qualities I have, it helps me see my self worth. Don't leave out mother-like qualities you may notice in me. I like to hear that I have potential to be a good mother.

5. Don't exclude me from situations that may be uncomfortable. Invite me to baby showers. I may not go, and please understand if I don't, but I still like to be invited. Sometimes I will feel up to it, but other times it may be too hard for me to go. Once in a while I may even want to go to a play group just for the socialization.

4. In Church situations, even though I'm not a mother, I still like to be invited to talk or give lessons on families. If you are teaching a lesson, you don't need to avoid the subject of families because I am present. Just keep in mind that not everyone in the room may be part of a traditional family. If you seek the spirit, you will be guided in how to include people like me or from other non-traditional situations without singling us out and making us feel uncomfortable.

3. Think of me on days that might be hard. One Mother's Day, I was surprised to receive a card from a friend who thanked me for the way I was a mother to her children. That meant so much to me. One because of her compliment, but especially because she had thought of me and realized that it might be a hard day for me.

2. If I open up to you, please just listen. Like is the case so often with women, I don't want you to solve my problem, I just need someone to talk to. I'm talking to you because I trust and respect you.

1. First and foremost, just be my friend. Love me for who I am, even with all my flaws and shortcomings.

We all say hurtful things at one time or another about a wide variety of topics. But if we have a strong foundation of friendship, these things won't be a big deal and don't have to affect our relationship.