Misunderstanding Adoption

David and I were watching a program (The 4400) where a woman who had been abducted came back years later. Her daughter was now a pre-teen and the father had told the girl that her mother had died. He had remarried. The girl was living happily with her father and stepmother. The biological mother wanted to see her daughter, but respected her former husband's wishes to not contact her daughter because of how difficult it would be for the girl. David asked me what I would do if I were the mother. I told him if my daughter were in a safe place and were happy, I would leave her there. I would want her to know I was alive, but I would not try and retake my place as her mother. It would break my heart, but I would rather do that than disrupt her life.

Lately I have been drawn by the story of a 9-year-old girl, Sonya, who was taken from her adoptive family and given back to her ex-con father who was released from prison. The ins and outs of the story are complicated. If you would like the details, you can go to either side's facebook page:

Bring Sonya Home - 19,158 likes

Sonya is Home - 649 likes

I'm inclined to side with the adoptive parents for various reasons, but I won't hesitate to admit that I don't know everything about the case and things are often not what they seem. The thing that really kills me about this and similar stories are the horrible things people say about adoptive couples. 

Below are some quotes I have taken directly from facebook and other comment sites. I have copied and pasted with no corrections. The only thing I have done is to add italics.

"More than 90 percent of adopted adults want to search and reunite with biological family. Read some of our stories, and you will clearly see how we feel about being given away or stolen by strangers. Biology is real. Biological connections are real. DNA cannot be severed no matter how much adoptive families try to separate biological ties in the name of 'adoption'. We are NOT your children if you adopt us. When you adopt, you have SOMEONE ELSES child. You cannot and do not own us."

Our biological parents do not give us new names on new ownership (adoption) papers. With our biological families, we are free to be the people we are born to be...... we do not have to fill a role in your lives and 'complete' you.

When you relegate our REAL mothers and fathers as 'sperm and egg donors' you remove the humanity from life and creation. Adoptees are not products you purchase, order, swap and sell...... we are HUMAN beings and each and every one of us is a miracle born into a family. Stop separating families and messing with God and nature. If you cannot have children, there are so many ways you can help a child in genuine need to have a better life.

...it is confirmed by all the research on the adoptees, that they always long for their real families, and if there were real families to take care of them they would want to be reunited a.s.a.p. 

I understand that you feel pain for your niece's inability to have a child of her own, but stealing a child of another human being is NEVER the answer.

The biology IS always the first consideration and it is a right guaranteed to parents and children by the Constitution. 

Perhaps you don't; realize there is an infertility epidemic in the US , disproportionately affecting those with higher incomes. Infertility is strongly correlated with age and access to technology, so those who wait to have kids , especially around high tech jobs,, are more at risk. But the answer is not to take the children of the poor. The answer must be social justice for the poor and free mental health for the infertile people. it must be very hard, but if they don't want to adopt older children from foster care, i.e. those really in need, they have to learn to cope. Pressuring thousands of women yearly to give up parental rights to their newborns telling them they are unworthy is not a moral solution. 

To celebrate a family's loss of a child, a child's loss of family relationships, heritage, culture and identity, the separation of an infant and mother at the most critical time of life, which relegates all of them to a lifetime of unnecessary pain and sorrow, in order to peddle jewelry is the epitome of the disgusting, crass commercialism to which this society has sunk. Babies belong with their mothers and fathers, if not with their mothers OR fathers, if not with grandparents or extended family. By promoting the adoption frenzy is to feed into the multi-billion-dollar, unregulated legalized baby trafficking industry that treats human infants as nothing more than commercial products to be bought and sold. The National Council For Adoption Sucks

Quotes like this are easy to find. They are not isolated opinions.

Like so many things in life, it is impossible to know what it is like to adopt a child without having actually experienced it yourself. So many people think that as soon as a biological parent pops into the picture, an adoptive parent should step aside. It is not that simple. 

I love my children. I am the only mother they have ever known. If someone should suddenly step up and try to take one of my children, I would not care what DNA or blood they may share. I would FIGHT for my children. That does not make me a kidnapper. That does not make me selfish. I am the one that snuggles with Jalen when he takes his nap. I am the one that listens to Baylie read every day. I am the one that lets them both crawl into bed with me, even when that means I don't get a good night's sleep. More importantly, I am the one they want when they cry for Mommy.

I know that every case is not cut and dried. I know there are two sides to every story. But to suggest that adoptive parents are wealthy baby snatchers trying to fulfill a need they cannot biologically feel is to denegrate the loving relationship that exists within adoptive families.