I Don't Want to Work

I know there are lots of opinions about moms and working outside the home. I'm not taking a stand on that, but rather just commenting on me and what I want.

I have a perfect working situation. I work four hours a day and I work from home. Right now I work nights, so Baylie just has to be watched by my mom or another family member for a few hours between when I start and David gets home. In spite of that, I wish I could just be a full-time mom. The hardest is when my mom is out of town and I have to take Baylie to my brother and his wife (thanks Scott & Beth) to watch. They're great with her and I feel so lucky to have them because I know how much they love her. But I hate that Baylie and I are not under the same roof during that time. The other day she wasn't feeling well when I dropped her off and I cried all the way back home because I felt so guilty for leaving her. I know I'm really lucky that usually I get to work with her just in the other room and I'm grateful for that. (To be honest, I am not that fond of being tied to a phone for four hours a day. For a multi-tasker like me, it's torture.)

This has all come to a head lately because the airline I work for is going to lay off 3,000 people in the fall. I don't think my job is in jeapordy, but if I choose to leave the company voluntarily, I would have flight benefits for the rest of my life. It is so tempting to take that offer. The problem is if I quit working, we can't afford to get our own apartment and pay for health insurance unless I cash in my 401-K. It's kind of scary because if we move in a year or so for David to get his doctorate, we'll lose all the flight benefits. After 11 years, I would hate to not be able to hop on a plane and fly wherever I want whenever I want.

I have changed my mind several different times, but David and I have prayed about it and we feel that I should keep working while he finishes school. He already works and studies and his schedule is maxed out. We need the little bit I bring in plus the insurance. And with the flexibility I have, it would be kind of silly not to keep working. But still...

Paradigm Shift

Growing up, I only knew two black kids - and one of them was adopted into a white family. Perhaps because of that, I could never understand racism or racial divisions. I couldn't understand why everyone couldn't just forget the past and move on. It seemed like it was the only way to get past slavery and segregation. I was so naive.

Not long after I moved to Houston, a man in Jasper, Texas, was chained to the back of a pickup truck and drug to death. It was a brutal killing and all because he was black. And for the first time, I realized that we can't just forget the past.

I look at my little Baylie and wonder what her life would have been like a few years ago. She would have had to drink from separate fountains, use different bathrooms, go to separate schools and I probably couldn't have been her mother.

And what if she'd been born before that? I remember visiting a plantation in South Carolina. On the wall was a framed shopping list. It had the usual items like wheat, cloth, etc. But what caught my eye and gave me a cold chill was "one slave girl." It was listed like just another item on the shopping list. Now I look at my beautiful girl and wonder what if she'd been born at such a time. At what age would she have started working? When would she have been torn from her mother's side? She is such a beautiful thing, would she have been abused? Again, I now realize we can't forget the past.

I worry about the day Baylie runs up against discrimination. The day a boy's parents won't let him ask her out or someone says something toughtless or insensitive. I hope we continue to progress as a nation and become less hateful and prejudiced. But I doubt she will be completely free from these types of experiences.

I realize now I can't teach my daughter to be color blind. It would be wrong to try and do so. But I can teach her to embrace diversity. Not just of color, but of nationality, religion and lifestyle. Doing so has made my life so much more rewarding and rich. I hope it will do the same for her.

I hope Baylie can study her heritage, be proud of her background - biological and adopted. I hope she will learn from the past, but not let it define her, let it be a part of her, but still have the independence of will and spirit to carve out her own unique niche in the world.

Hula Hooping Hubby

Okay, someone this goofy has to be a great dad!

In Love

One of the best moments in life has to be when you realize you're truly in love with your spouse. Tonight I sat and listened to David sing Baylie to sleep. She was cooing loudly as if she was trying to join in. It was the cutest thing and so beautiful. She talks more for David than for anyone else. My heart overflowed with love for both of them and I realized how lucky I am to be part of this little family.

It took me a long time to get them, but they were so worth waiting for. It's hard when I can't see the end of the path I'm on and sometimes I lose patience. But in the end, God always does what's best for me. I think I'm getting better at having faith, but it's still not easy to wait sometimes. It helps when in the end, things work out so well.

To go private or not??

What do you guys think about going private? I'm wondering if I'm overexposing my child by making this blog accessible to anyone. I'm interested in opinions...

First Mother's Day

Today was a great day. I haven't always "hated" Mother's Day, but I can honestly say that I have "dreaded" it for about 20 years. Well, maybe 18 - ever since I got home from my mission. I love mothers. I think they should be honored. I think it's a great day and I think it's okay to recognize mothers in Church. That being said, as a woman who couldn't become a mother, it was always a very painful day. I understand all the philosophy about all women being mothers and each of us having a vital role to play - I truly believe that, but it doesn't make Mother's Day any less painful for the woman who isn't married or hasn't been able to have children. It's like when a married person gives a talk about marriage and says with a smile, "All righteous women will one day have this gift." It may be doctrinally true, but I always found it very small consolation. I wasn't a mother! Talk around it all you want, but that was the fact.

Today I was a mother. And it was different. My heart went out to women who still don't have this blessing, but I couldn't help but be so grateful for our little girl. In church, the little children got up to sing to their mothers and I sobbed because for the first time, I knew that one day I'll have a little child sing to me on Mother's Day.

P.S. On the flip side of the joy, I have to post this picture even though it will gross my sister-in-law Bethany out. I changed Baylie the other day and she had poop clear up to her neck! How does poop get up the front?? And clear to the neck! You know that I've waited to be a mom too long when I even think this much poop is an awesome thing.

The Adam and Eve Paradox

I have always been puzzled by why Adam and Eve would be given two commandments or guidelines that were mutually exclusive of one another. It has never made sense to me that they would be placed in a situation where in order to obey one commandment, they would be forced to disobey another. However, I am now beginning to understand as we face a similar situation. Obviously, our situation doesn't impact the future of the human race, but it does help me see Adam and Eve's plight in a different light.

We have been given the following counsel by prophets:
1. Stay out of debt
2. Don't put off having a family because of financial concerns
3. Get an education
4. Mothers should stay home with their children

It is impossible for us to do numbers two, three and four without going against number one.

We are unable to have biological children which would be covered by insurance and instead have to spend thousands of dollars to get a baby. Unfortunately, we don't have thousands of dollars laying around and there are no long-lost rich uncles waiting to leave us an inheritance, so loans are the only way for us to get kids. Number two overrules number one.

We have tried to stay out of debt while in school, but that has meant that David goes to school full time and works full time, resulting in 14 hour days and leaving zero time to compose. When you're getting a Masters degree in Composition, this is a problem. If I work more hours, we break number four. We have had to face the fact that school loans are in our future. Numbers three and four overrule number one.

So like Eve, I'm faced with a list of commandments/guidelines that seem to mutually exclude one another and I say, "Were it not for our debt we never should have had children, and never should have received a Masters degree." I just hope we won't end up with a mountain of debt we won't be able to get out from under. I guess we can still try and find that long-lost rich uncle.