To Blog or Not to Blog

I'm feeling pretty emotionally fragile and questioning the wisdom of blogging today, but I'm also bursting, so I think it's a good idea to just get it out.

I still don't think I've recovered emotionally from the whole adoption trip to Virginia. Then David went to Austin last Sunday - Wednesday to visit the University of Texas (hook 'em horns). The music school has unofficially accepted him into their doctorate program. That's awesome and a huge relief (even though I still secretly hope for U of U), but it was hard to be alone for four days. I don't know how military wives do it.

And then when things were starting to settle down again, Baylie got sick and gave it to Jalen. Jalen has been in the hospital since about midnight Friday with RSV. It's been pretty stressful watching him struggle to breathe and not being able to do much for him. But we've been blessed that he hasn't had pneumonia or anything other than RSV. He has been so good and hardly cries at all. I will be glad to see him without any tubes connected to him. I feel guilty everytime I have to leave him.

David and I have been trading off between him and Baylie, just greeting each other long enough to swap cars and kids. It's been emotionally and physically exhausting. I keep telling myself that at least I know that in the end I can bring my baby home. There are so many parents that have much greater trials in regards to their children's health. Today was the best day so far as he really seemed to improve and I got to hold him most of the day.

Unfortunately, the calm was not to last. Jalen's birthmom contacted me today to say that his birth father might contest the adoption. I'm scared and devastated. I was numb for the first little while. I didn't feel anything at all. But the more time that passes, the heavier my heart gets and the harder it is not to just break down completely. We had been told that Jalen was the result of a one-night stand and his mom didn't know where the father was. Apparently that wasn't true. Jalen's birthmom decided to contact the birthfather and let him know that she had a baby. I am trying not to be angry with her for not doing this before she gave her baby to us. I can't help but wonder why she is doing it now.

If his birth father decides to contest the adoption, we will fight for him, but the thought of doing that breaks my heart. I would rather have an open relationship that is happy and healthy for everyone concerned. But now that we have raised this little boy for a month and have been through so much with him, he is ours and we can't give him back. At the same time, I feel for the birthfather who didn't even know he had a son. I hope and pray that like Jalen's birthmother, his father will decide that this is a good thing for his son and will relinquish his rights. I can't bear to think about the alternative.

Along with everything else, I wonder how we're going to pay for medical and legal bills on top of the adoption that has already stretched us to the limit. Not long ago I was thinking of how easy my life was and how I hadn't had difficult trials in a while. I should have known better. For now, I'm trusting in the fact that I know God prepared us for this adoption and confirmed to us that this little boy was meant to be part of our family. I know that even He can't force the free agency of His children, but I will have faith that whatever happens will be the best for all of us.