Warning: this post is very selfish and self-serving. It's also very petty.
In the course of my singlehood, infertility, adoption, etc., people have often said things that were thoughtless and hurtful. In 99.9% of the cases, it was unintentional and I chose not to take offense (sometimes you can't help but hurt though). Since adopting my kids, it is rare that I feel infertile or that I am lacking in some way. However, recently on a couple of different occasions I have heard men say that a woman goes "into the valley of the shadow of death" and comes back with a child.
I'm sure that is true. That must be what labor is like. I wouldn't know. However, I have a hard time with the phrase, particularly when they go on to say that the experience is why women are closer to their children than men. I know that these men are saying this to honor women - and women who deliver children should definitely be honored. I feel guilty for letting this bother me, but every time I hear it, it stabs me in the heart a little and I can't help but feel that it is diminishing my journey to motherhood. I didn't go into the valley of the shadow of death, but I did go to hell and back.
I know it's impossible to consider every situation and every exception when giving a talk or a lesson. I'm not expecting anyone to do that. I'm just sayin' ...
4 comments:
I'm sorry. :( I love your cute kiddos and admire you and David soooo much.
I gave a lesson last week that made me think of you...on John Taylor...the poem "Good Timber" was shared. I think it describes you and David very well.
The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.
The man who never had to toil to live,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.
Good timber does not grow at ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
The further sky, the greater length,
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, in rain and snow,
in trees and men good timbers grow.
Where thickest lies the forest growth
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold council with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.
—Author unknown
Miss you ;-)
You are awesome! Not going through a physical labor does not make you any less of a mom. I sometimes feel that the "emotional labor" of adoption could be more severe than "the physical labor" of giving birth. Not discrediting giving birth and labor, that's a lot of emotion too! But the challenges of adoption are a lifetime, unlike the other labor. YOU ARE AN AMAZING daughter of God and you are a great mom! I admire you.
I was thinking of this post today. There was a fertility docter on Good Things Utah today and I only caught part of the interview, but part that struck me was he compared infertility to having a cancer, saying that it was probably worse because infertility not only affects you but affects your family and generations so greatly. I don't think you can really downplay physical labor for a women, and the challenges that arise with it, it is difficult but you can get an epidural to take away the pain! What can be administered for the pains associated with adoption? I have had a few friends and some family members including my parents go though failed adoptions and after watching that heartache I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I have also had a few members of my family lose children prior to and during birth, in either circumstance losing a child has got to be the most painful thing women,(and men) have to face in this life and I honestly don't believe physically carrying that child in your body changes the love that you have in your heart. I admire you SO much and those kiddos are SO lucky to have you for a momma.
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