To go private or not??

What do you guys think about going private? I'm wondering if I'm overexposing my child by making this blog accessible to anyone. I'm interested in opinions...

First Mother's Day

Today was a great day. I haven't always "hated" Mother's Day, but I can honestly say that I have "dreaded" it for about 20 years. Well, maybe 18 - ever since I got home from my mission. I love mothers. I think they should be honored. I think it's a great day and I think it's okay to recognize mothers in Church. That being said, as a woman who couldn't become a mother, it was always a very painful day. I understand all the philosophy about all women being mothers and each of us having a vital role to play - I truly believe that, but it doesn't make Mother's Day any less painful for the woman who isn't married or hasn't been able to have children. It's like when a married person gives a talk about marriage and says with a smile, "All righteous women will one day have this gift." It may be doctrinally true, but I always found it very small consolation. I wasn't a mother! Talk around it all you want, but that was the fact.

Today I was a mother. And it was different. My heart went out to women who still don't have this blessing, but I couldn't help but be so grateful for our little girl. In church, the little children got up to sing to their mothers and I sobbed because for the first time, I knew that one day I'll have a little child sing to me on Mother's Day.

P.S. On the flip side of the joy, I have to post this picture even though it will gross my sister-in-law Bethany out. I changed Baylie the other day and she had poop clear up to her neck! How does poop get up the front?? And clear to the neck! You know that I've waited to be a mom too long when I even think this much poop is an awesome thing.

The Adam and Eve Paradox

I have always been puzzled by why Adam and Eve would be given two commandments or guidelines that were mutually exclusive of one another. It has never made sense to me that they would be placed in a situation where in order to obey one commandment, they would be forced to disobey another. However, I am now beginning to understand as we face a similar situation. Obviously, our situation doesn't impact the future of the human race, but it does help me see Adam and Eve's plight in a different light.

We have been given the following counsel by prophets:
1. Stay out of debt
2. Don't put off having a family because of financial concerns
3. Get an education
4. Mothers should stay home with their children

It is impossible for us to do numbers two, three and four without going against number one.

We are unable to have biological children which would be covered by insurance and instead have to spend thousands of dollars to get a baby. Unfortunately, we don't have thousands of dollars laying around and there are no long-lost rich uncles waiting to leave us an inheritance, so loans are the only way for us to get kids. Number two overrules number one.

We have tried to stay out of debt while in school, but that has meant that David goes to school full time and works full time, resulting in 14 hour days and leaving zero time to compose. When you're getting a Masters degree in Composition, this is a problem. If I work more hours, we break number four. We have had to face the fact that school loans are in our future. Numbers three and four overrule number one.

So like Eve, I'm faced with a list of commandments/guidelines that seem to mutually exclude one another and I say, "Were it not for our debt we never should have had children, and never should have received a Masters degree." I just hope we won't end up with a mountain of debt we won't be able to get out from under. I guess we can still try and find that long-lost rich uncle.

Turning 40

Today is my 40th birthday. Sigh. Turning 40 is weird. When I was in my 20's, I was still young. It was the decade of adventure and discovery - living in Mexico, traveling the world. In my 30's, I learned to just accept who I am and to actually like myself. The 30's were my favorite decade. I found David, got married and had a baby - just under the wire. Now I'm 40. That's so old! I always thought 40 year olds were over the hill, on the brink of middle age. I don't feel old. My joints ache a little more than they used to and I have this one wrinkle under my left eye that seems to get deeper and deeper, but I still feel young.

The worst part is, when I would say I was 39 and my husband was 27, it didn't sound too bad. Sure, there's a big age difference, but it's a "You go girl!" kind of age difference. Now that I'm 40 and my husband is 27, it's more like a "isn't that a felony?" kind of age difference.

Overall, I can't complain though. I have lived a good life and there is little in my life that I would do differently. God has been good to me and while He doesn't always do things the way I want them to be done or when I think they should be done, inevitably He does them in the way that is best for me. I am grateful for the life and love he has given me.

Priceless

Adoption Match Fee - $3,400.00
Adoption Placement Fee - $15,100.00
Four Different Background Checks - $201.62
Being a Mom Before You're 40 - PRICELESS!

Showered With Love

Last night we had a baby shower. I was amazed at the kindness and generosity of so many wonderful women. I'm so blessed first of all to have such a great mother, sister and sisters in law who went to all lengths to throw such a fun shower. (Of course, with two chocolate fountains, my Weight Watcher weigh in is going to be a little sad tomorrow.)

So many people came and it was fun to share our joy with them. It was kind of embarassing to receive so many gifts because I feel almost selfish to get so much. But it was greatly appreciated and the gifts were heartfelt and from women that I dearly love. The cards were kind and I was moved by how many people said I "deserve" to be so happy. That meant a lot to me. One gift was a Willow People carving of a man and wife holding a new baby. That simple sculpture brought me to tears. It seemed to symbolize what we've been through and how tender it is to finally be a family.

I am greatful to be surrounded by such loving family and friends. When filling in adoption paperwork, a common question is whether or not our extended family/friends are supportive of our decision to adopt. We've never had to wonder about that. We have received nothing but excitement and support. We're so grateful that Baylie is accepted and loved by all the people that are closest to us.

Poems

Posting poems is always a scary thing because I never know if the poems are good or will just embarass me. But here are three more.

Baylie Anne Batchelor
My daughter.
I look into your eyes
As you look back at me
And I can't stop smiling.

I watch your daddy
Look at you in wonder.
His face is softer,
His bounce a little higher.

I want to put my heart
in your little chest,
So you can be filled
With this love I have for you.

I want you to know God,
To love Christ,
To be happy,
To reach your potential.

I dread your first skinned knee,
Your first hurt feeling,
Your future broken heart,
And want to hold your hand forever.


New Man
I love my husband,
He's kind and good.
He does the things
A husband should.

But there's a new man
Who's stolen my heart.
And I love him more -
I knew from the start.


My heart's a flutter,
My soul sings gladly
When I look at this man -
Who's now my daughter's daddy.

Rage
Such anger, such wrath.
Frustration fills face, arms and legs.
Every muscle tensed in agony -
All over the loss of a pacifier.