Wish This Apple Would Fall a Little Further From the Tree

Here's a shot of Baylie wearing the leotard I wore when I was five. I love that my mom saved these kinds of things. (BTW - this was the beginning and end of my dancing career.)

Today I found out that Baylie was disruptive in her Primary class at church. Apparently when the teacher tried to give the lesson, Baylie turned her chair away from the rest of the class and began "reading" the Book of Mormon in a loud voice. She can't actually read, but she says "It came to pass" in a loud voice along with other key phrases she has heard over and over. I can only imagine how it went in class.

As David and I were having a very serious talk with her and David was saying over and over how he didn't understand why she would behave this way, I had to confess that at one point I went through nine Sunday School teachers in one year. Yeah, I was THAT kid.

Sometimes I wish Baylie weren't so much like me. Looks like I'll be a Sunbeam next Sunday and sit in on Baylie's class. (Actually it will be in two weeks since next week we're visiting my folks in Charlotte.)

Helping Those Who Have Lost an Infant

Recently a dear friend of mind lost a little girl just hours after she was born. My friend knew that her little baby would face severe challenges, but she did not know that she would lose her baby so soon. My heart breaks for her and because she lives far away, I feel at a loss about how to help her. I contacted another friend of mine who also lost a little girl on the day she was born not very long ago. I asked him for advice on what I could do to help. He gave me so much wonderful information that I wanted to share it. With his permission (and removing information to maintain his privacy), I'm sharing his advice on what to and not to do. (I'm writing it in the first person since I am just copying his words.)

First, I acknowledge that it's difficult to know what to say and do for someone in this situation. There are definitely things NOT to say and do, though, so let me start with those. 

WHAT NOT TO SAY
After our daughter passed, we unfortunately found ourselves having to bite our tongues and be very patient with people who would say things that did more to intensify our grief rather than relieve it. 

We knew they meant well and that it was challenging for them to find the right words, but I firmly believe 'less is more' in this case. A simple "I'm sorry about your baby" or "I'm so sorry for your loss" is much better than any of the following. My advice is to never say anything like:

"At least your baby isn't suffering."
"At least you're young enough to still have more children."
"At least you hadn't really known or bonded with the baby yet"
"I know how you feel."
"At least you have other children."
"This is nature's way of taking care of deformities."
"This is for the best. Think of the life she would have had if she'd lived."
Etc. 

WHAT NOT TO DO
1) Don't disappear.
We noticed some people would completely avoid us at church and other social situations. We knew they felt awkward, but being avoided only added to the burden. 

2) Don't ignore the loss. 
We noticed some people chose not to avoid us while at the same pretending that nothing happened. This only intensified our discomfort. Our baby was real to us, and we wanted to know she was real to everyone else. 

3) Don't expect people to grieve on your timetable. 
It's easy to say, "They need to get on with their lives and not hold on to their grief," but grieving can take months, even years. I believe you never truly get over an event like that. You merely learn to cope. I fell into a deep depression for three months, while everyone else simply moved on. I felt like I was expected to act like everything was ok and "back to normal" because after the funeral, no one wanted to deal with the situation any more. For them, it was done and over with. To me, it keeps going on...even today.

4) Don't compare tragedies. 
I think it's human nature to compare one person's tragedy to another's. Never say, "Well, I knew someone who's healthy baby also died" or "who lost a 3-year-old," etc. By comparing, you minimize your friend's loss and you compare things that, in reality, may not have much in common. 

5) Don't preach or philosophize. 
People don't need to be reminded about doctrines and theories at a time like this. Knowing gospel doctrine doesn't make the loss easier to bear initially. I always tell people that while the gospel brings peace and perspective, it doesn't fill empty arms. I know we'll see our daughter again. What I don't know is how I'm going to make it through every awful, empty day until then. 

Ok, now that the "don'ts" are off my mind, here are a few suggested "DOs". 

1) Remember your friends when they need it the most. 
We had some great friends who, after our daughter died, increased their invitations to us to do things together. That was great. Often we turned them down because we didn't feel up to socializing, but that didn't deter them. They kept inviting us anyway. We appreciated their invitations and it didn't seem phony or forced because they'd been inviting us to do things anyway. 

Also, the holidays and anniversaries of the baby's birth and death can be particularly difficult. I remember how badly we wanted someone to call us on the one month anniversary of our daughter's death. No one did, and my wife was devastated. The 3-month and 6-month anniversaries were equally challenging, as I anticipate the 1-year anniversary will be. On those days, it's just nice to be remembered with a simple "Thinking about you and your baby today." 

Plenty of people will rally around your friend in the first week or two after the baby's death. Beyond that, people move on with their lives and forget. It was two weeks after our daughter''s death that the emptiness and loneliness really set in for us. That's the time people need to be remembered. 

2) Send a letter or card. 
Emails are nice, but there's nothing like holding (and even smelling) a card in your hand. A personal note, especially when least expected, is a great way to convey feelings of love and support. Emails seemed so "cheap."

3) Help with practical matters. 
Given the distance between you and your friend, you may be limited as to what you can do. We appreciated people who took charge instead of asking, "Is there anything I can do?" I think we're conditioned to be self-sufficient and not ask for help. We were really grateful to people who took the bull by the horns and brought dinner, a plant, a plate of treats, helped clean our house or tended our children all without us asking them or them asking us. They followed their instincts. The Spirit can help guide you with this. 

4) Send a thoughtful gift. 
I have five sisters. The one who is not religiously active has been the best one at providing support. Not only does she have a way of sending some of the most tender gifts we've received, she also sends thoughtful cards at random times. It's been nice to know someone else has been thinking about our daughter when it isn't an anniversary or holiday. Our favorite gift from her were some rose bushes and a sign commemorating our daughter's birth that we could use to put in a memorial garden at our new home. She also gave us a beautiful Christmas ornament in our daughter's honor. 

5) Listen. 
I found great comfort in sharing my experience. Not all people do (like my wife--she tends to internalize things more). I appreciated people who would listen unconditionally without judging or offering advice. I still find comfort in talking about the experience. 

So, I feel like I've written a novel here. This may be more than you were hoping for, but hopefully you'll find something in it of value. 

Bottom line is, people grieve differently. Even though my wife and I have been complete opposites in the way we've handled our daughter's death, everything I've mentioned above rang true for both of us. 

I love the parents of both of these little girls. As I grieve for them, I look at my little children and feel so grateful. I think of my Granny who also lost a little girl shortly after she was born and wish I had asked her more about it.

In two weeks, it will be Mother's Day. This will be an incredibly painful day for these families. I hope that if there is someone you know experiencing something similar, you will take the time to share your love with them.

What to Do While You Wait for Your Parents to Wake Up - by JWB

My dad decided to sleep in until 7:00 a.m. So while I waited for him, I decided to do the following:

• Bulldoze over the baby gate in order to get into the kitchen.
• Get the box of Frosted Mini Wheats (that Mom foolishly left on the low shelf) and pull out the bag, go to the table and consume a large portion.
• Climb on a chair, onto the table and onto the kitchen counter to walk over the stove, balance on the edge of the sink and get to the medicine counter located high over the kitchen sink. Open the childproof lid to the Infant Advil and pour myself a shot into the plastic cup provided. Unfortunately there was only a small cupful left. I then cleaned up after myself by putting the medicine bottle in the dish drainer and the plastic cup in the sink.
• Next I climbed the rest of the way over the sink to get to the cookie jar and pull out a package of apple cider, tore it open and dumped it onto the kitchen floor (close to the trash can - I did try to keep things clean).
• I then climbed back to the table, moved a chair over to the craft area and got down the bubbles. I dumped the bubbles out on the floor and on the desk next to Mommy's computer. I took a bamboo skewer from the craft area to Mommy and Daddy's bathroom for some secret purpose, which I choose not to reveal at this time.
• I climbed up on the bathroom counter, opened Dad's expensive eczema cream, smeared it on my face and tried to shave with dad's razor.
• Last of all I used mom's pill dispenser as a maraca. Unfortunately, I could not get it open so I had to settle for eating the vitamins mom set out for me and Baylie.

Dad thinks I should be starved into submission, but I think Mom has convinced him that it is not an appropriate punishment. They are both at their wits end about what to do with me.

My sister is so boring. While I was having so much fun, she was quietly looking at photo albums in her bed.

P.S. This morning was way more fun than yesterday afternoon when I ate an entire bottle of Mentos gum, ate Baylie's cookies, and caused what now looks like minor mischief while Baylie and Mommy took a nap.

Shaving With Daddy

I saw this cute idea in a magazine and now my kids think they need to shave every time David does. (I used to love it when my dad put shaving cream on my face.)

Easy Rider

We do not have smart phones and David's phone is even dumber than mine, so these are not the greatest videos. We wanted to capture Jalen pedaling away like mad on his Harley hot wheel. It's amazing how quickly he can get those legs going! He can't reach the pedals yet, so he just walks while he rides. He used to run over himself, but he's got it all figured out now.

And we were seriously impressed when he picked up his bike and carried it up the stairs all by himself.

High Flying Zoo Day

We go to the zoo a lot, but it's a rare treat when Daddy gets to go with us. The zoo was CRAZY today because some schools are still on spring break. We're used to having the zoo almost to ourselves, so waiting in lines was a new experience. 

Baylie climbed up the rock wall. 

And Jalen climbed the jungle gym.

Jalen was FINALLY tall enough to ride the ponies (may have been the hiking boots). He was super excited...until he got on. Then he was a little unsure, but he loved it and did great.

The kids did the usual stuff - rode the train...

...fed the goats...

...and fed the giraffes.

But today was super exciting because Baylie finally got to do the Sky-High Safari - a 44-foot-high vertical ropes challenge. She's been wanting to do it for a long time, but I'm afraid of heights - and there's no way I could go with her and Jalen at the same time (nor would I want to!).

 

 

 

 

On some parts she went all by herself.

Sometimes she needed a little help.

And sometimes she needed a lot (her daddy's the best).

She wasn't scared much and I was so impressed by how adventurous and brave she was. Way braver than her mom!

Jalen waited patiently for her to finish.

 All in all, it was a great day at the zoo!

I Love "Not Working"

There's been a lot in the news lately about mothers who stay at home with their children "not working a day in their life." I'm glad to see that the backlash has been strong in support of stay-at-home moms and surprised to see that many of the comment boards seem to slam women who stay at home, or assume that only wealthy families can afford to have moms make that choice. I am not making a political statement. I also don't second guess women who work, regardless of why they have made that choice. I only know my story.

I worked as an assistant editor (actually a glorified title) of a business publication; was the groups and conventions manager of a resort on the beach in Los Cabos, Mexico; traveled the world as an international training manager of a major airline and benefited from the perks of working in marketing for the same airline. Most of the time, I enjoyed working. I like to multitask and I like to feel my brain is being stretched. I liked the interaction with other people. I loved the travel. I liked being taken out to nice restaurants. I liked yearly interviews where I was told I was doing a good job and got a pay raise. I loved a regular paycheck that covered the bills with a little left over for savings.

Even when I was working, I always knew the job I really wanted was to be a stay at home mom. I think my supervisors and co-workers always knew that as well. I worked hard and I think I did a good job, but I never wanted to climb the corporate ladder. I just wanted to be a mother. It took much longer than I thought it would.

When we moved back to Utah, I downgraded and when Baylie was about 16 months old, I took early retirement with flight benefits. I have never regretted that choice. I love being with my kids all day. It is exhausting. It is hard. Many times it is thankless. But I have a 4-year-old girl that tells me she loves me several times a day. I get knee-high hugs from a two year old that almost knocks me over several times a day. No amount of money could be better pay than that.

We are not wealthy. In fact, we are dirt poor. We live off school loans, receive WIC vouchers, use Medicaid and shop with coupons. Many people question the wisdom of my decision in light of our financial situation. They think that it is irresponsible. I don't care. I can always go back to work, but my kids will only be little once.

There are so many little things I would miss if I weren't here. It's not so much the big milestones, but the little things they do and say every day. I'm so grateful not to miss any of them. There are studies that show what stay at home moms are really worth. To be honest, that's not why I stay home. I stay home for selfish reasons. I stay home because I don't want anyone else to witness these little moments but me.