When the Light at the End of the Tunnel Grows Dim

Wednesday was a hard day at the Batchelor Pad. David had his oral exam for his doctorate degree - and he did not pass. I have to confess that I never imagined he wouldn't. He's so smart and talented that I just took it for granted that he would pass.

David's been studying for his orals since last summer, intensifying his efforts this semester by staying late at school (meaning until 1:00 in the morning) almost every day. For his oral exam, he had selected three composers and four works from each. He had studied 10 of these works backwards and forwards until he knew them completely, including three operas. The final two pieces he had studied, but not as thoroughly, since he ran out of time. For his exam, the instructors selected four of the pieces at random. As luck, or fate, or whatever would have it, they chose the two he was weakest on among the four.

My initial reaction was anger - anger at the professors who gave him the exam and, I hate to confess, anger at God. Why couldn't they have asked him about the pieces he knew? Why couldn't they have selected at least one of the operas? Do they realize that he did actually prepare and he does know what he's talking about? Why does everything in my life take longer than planned and have to be so difficult to achieve (marriage, kids, school)? Why does it seem like things come so much easier for some people?

We have been married for almost 11 years, all of them in school. I will be 45 in less than a month and we still don't have a place to settle down and call our own. Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been spent in transition. (I moved a lot as a kid too.)

Then, to top it off, minutes later I got a text from our renters in Houston saying that our gas heater had gone out. Seriously!? Could I not just catch a break? Basically, I went on a major pity party.

After some time passed, I realized that I was being pretty self-centered and unrealistic. There are so many people in this world who would love to have any education and I'm upset about it taking an extra semester to get a doctorate degree. I have wonderful parents that offer unconditional love and support. I have a husband that is good to me and kids that are awesome in every way. We have food on our table, a roof over our heads, our kids are safe in their beds at night. I am blessed, and to think otherwise is naive and selfish.

I could have stayed single. I was making a good living, I was traveling around the world. I probably would have received a couple of raises over the past five years, but that was not the life I wanted. I wanted to be a wife and a mother - and that is the life I have.

So with things in better perspective, here is our current reality:

• David can't take the test again until the end of fall semester and can't start his dissertation until after he passes the oral exam.
• Our earliest graduation date will be May 2014. We won't be ABD - all but dissertation - until late 2013, meaning we can't apply for university jobs until Winter 2014 semester.
• David has finished all his coursework and since he won't be working on his dissertation, he won't have any credit hours. That means we don't qualify for school loans or graduate assistant teaching jobs.
• Since he won't be in school, our school loans will start coming due for payment. We may be able to get a deferment.
• The grant we were planning on using to survive over the summer is intended for students working on their dissertations, so we no longer qualify for it.
• We can't continue to pay for repairs on our house in Houston.

And with the information we have so far, here are our options:

• Get a job at a junior college (or somewhere else) that only requires a Masters Degree and provides insurance.
• Find a job that enables us to pay our bills without disqualifying us for Medicaid. A tricky combination.
• One thing I do know, I would rather stay in this awesome house with it's awesome yard and have Medicaid, even if it means more loans, rather than move somewhere, live in an apartment and lose insurance.
• We need to sell our house.

With a new day comes new perspective. Plus, since I teach seminary, I had to get myself spiritually straightened out quickly. I still don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I know that everything will work out. It always has before.

Note: Although we fasted and prayed for a different outcome, apparently some of our friends were praying that we would stay. Maybe their faith is stronger than ours. (You know who you are MM!)